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    joke of the day.............

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    CKJ505

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    For those who break the speed limit.

    Post by CKJ505 on Thu Feb 17, 2011 11:27 am

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    Officer: May I see your driver's license?

    Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding.

    Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

    Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

    Officer: The car is stolen?

    Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

    Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

    Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

    Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?

    Driver: Yes, mate.

    Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

    Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?

    Driver: Sure. Here it is.

    It was valid.

    Captain: Who's car is this?

    Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers.

    Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

    Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
    Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

    Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.

    Driver: No problem.
    Boot is opened; no body.

    Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
    Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying officer told you I was speeding, as well. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]






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    maxim9691

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by maxim9691 on Thu Feb 17, 2011 11:30 am

    I've heard this one before, but the wording in the last line was a bit different Laughing



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    fkkScoop

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by fkkScoop on Thu Feb 17, 2011 2:42 pm

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    Mace2theO

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by Mace2theO on Thu Feb 17, 2011 5:06 pm

    CKJ505 wrote:[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    Officer: May I see your driver's license?

    Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding.

    Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

    Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

    Officer: The car is stolen?

    Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

    Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

    Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

    Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?

    Driver: Yes, mate.

    Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

    Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?

    Driver: Sure. Here it is.

    It was valid.

    Captain: Who's car is this?

    Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers.

    Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

    Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
    Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

    Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.

    Driver: No problem.
    Boot is opened; no body.

    Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
    Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying officer told you I was speeding, as well. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]


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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Fri Feb 18, 2011 10:46 am

    Boy "Sir , Sir I need the loo!"

    Sir: "Sorry But we are In the middle of Our English Lesson."

    Boy : "But sir I really really need the loo!"

    Sir: "Okay, as long as you say the alphabet to me first.?"

    Boy: "OK, abcdefghijklmno qrstuvwxyz !"

    Sir: "Where is the 'P' ?"

    Boy :"On the floor!"






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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by notdixon on Tue Feb 22, 2011 11:04 pm

    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Arf! Arf! Arf!

    CKJ505 wrote:Boy "Sir , Sir I need the loo!"

    Sir: "Sorry But we are In the middle of Our English Lesson."

    Boy : "But sir I really really need the loo!"

    Sir: "Okay, as long as you say the alphabet to me first.?"

    Boy: "OK, abcdefghijklmno qrstuvwxyz !"

    Sir: "Where is the 'P' ?"

    Boy :"On the floor!"
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Fri Mar 11, 2011 6:12 am

    Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and
    the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
    He'd never been to church in his life.

    After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said,
    "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass.
    What made ya come?"

    Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father.
    A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.
    I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine
    and I knew he came to church every Sunday.

    I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass
    and figured he would leave it in the back of church.
    So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

    The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat.
    What changed your mind?"

    Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments,
    I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

    With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal'
    ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

    Murphy slowly shook his head.
    "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat." [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]






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    CKJ505

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    Grandma in Court

    Post by CKJ505 on Thu Mar 24, 2011 10:13 am

    Apparently this is true, I doubt it though, it is worth a look. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Thu Mar 24, 2011 7:24 pm

    Not worthy of it's own topic but worth a mention...

    Today live on radio...this is from a daily quiz show running on our national radio for the last 30 years or so.

    It's called the "Just a minute quiz" from Larry Gogan's Golden Hour.

    Today a caller was asked in her 60 second panic attack.

    Question: What was Van Gogh's first name?

    Caller: Luther.

    Larry: Burst into laughter. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    We all know she was thinking Vandross. afro






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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Fri Mar 25, 2011 6:23 am

    A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
    to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

    'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
    I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...

    ''Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!''
    and she proceeded to close the door..

    Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...
    ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration..''
    And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

    ''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
    from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

    The old lady stepped back and said,
    ''Well let me get you a fork, they cut off my electricity this morning." [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]






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    The Funky Universe "Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful"
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Wed Apr 27, 2011 6:14 am

    When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda
    And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of c*$ap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

    But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a darn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
    1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the darn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
    2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
    3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
    4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
    5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
    6) We didn't have fancy c*$ap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
    7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a darn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
    8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
    9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
    10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!
    11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled brat-monkeys!
    12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

    13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
    14) And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!






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    Mace2theO

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by Mace2theO on Wed Apr 27, 2011 3:11 pm


    11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on
    Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK
    for cartoons, you spoiled brat-monkeys!



    I'm still mad about this one!


    ...a whole channel for cartoons is - for me - a more significant measure of progress than the internet/ipod/playstation/etc put together....even science fiction writers who were able to anticipate many of the changes we have today, but not one of them ever imagined a 24 hour cartoon channel in the future!

    ...now, if they only showed good cartoons instead of BobSpongeGeorge all day [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Wed Apr 27, 2011 3:18 pm

    Mace2theO wrote:
    11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on
    Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK
    for cartoons, you spoiled brat-monkeys!



    I'm still mad about this one!


    ...a whole channel for cartoons is - for me - a more significant measure of progress than the internet/ipod/playstation/etc put together....even science fiction writers who were able to anticipate many of the changes we have today, but not one of them ever imagined a 24 hour cartoon channel in the future!

    ...now, if they only showed good cartoons instead of BobSpongeGeorge all day [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    You mean Bob George from the Black Album, Side 2, Track 1. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]






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    purpleaxxe

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by purpleaxxe on Thu Jul 28, 2011 7:21 am

    A policeman knocked at my door last night, holding a photo of my wife. He showed me the photo and asked, "Is this your wife sir?".

    "Yes it is" I replied, "What's up?"

    The policeman said "I'm sorry but it looks as though she's been hit by a bus"

    I replied " Yes I know, but she's got a great personality" !!! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Thu Jul 28, 2011 2:38 pm

    purpleaxxe wrote:A policeman knocked at my door last night, holding a photo of my wife. He showed me the photo and asked, "Is this your wife sir?".

    "Yes it is" I replied, "What's up?"

    The policeman said "I'm sorry but it looks as though she's been hit by a bus"

    I replied " Yes I know, but she's got a great personality" !!! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    Like it PurpleaXXe! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]






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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by purpleaxxe on Fri Jul 29, 2011 6:45 am

    Two guys chatting at the bar;

    First guy says; "My wife went out last week for a pint of milk and hasn't been home since"

    "Jeez" replies the second guy "How are you coping dude?"

    First guy says "It's ok, I'm using the powdered stuff"

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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Fri Jul 29, 2011 8:21 am

    purpleaxxe wrote:Two guys chatting at the bar;

    First guy says; "My wife went out last week for a pint of milk and hasn't been home since"

    "Jeez" replies the second guy "How are you coping dude?"

    First guy says "It's ok, I'm using the powdered stuff"

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    Nice one Paxxe, which begs the question, what type of powdered stuff is the first guy really on? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]






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    CKJ505

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    Mooooo!

    Post by CKJ505 on Fri Aug 05, 2011 8:20 am

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    Sometimes you can reach too far!



    And when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation

    that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember...

























    Not everyone who shows up are there to help you. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]









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    I'm sure this does not offend anyone, as we don't have any bovines.[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]






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    The Funky Universe "Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful"
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    purpleaxxe

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by purpleaxxe on Fri Aug 05, 2011 8:38 am

    Ouch !!

    That is udderly out of order

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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Fri Aug 05, 2011 3:00 pm

    purpleaxxe wrote:Ouch !!

    That is udderly out of order

    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Better than the actual post!

    Me thinks you are the prince of puns! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]






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    The Funky Universe "Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful"
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    purpleblues1

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by purpleblues1 on Sat Aug 06, 2011 2:22 am

    CKJ505 wrote:
    purpleaxxe wrote:Ouch !!

    That is udderly out of order

    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Better than the actual post!

    Me thinks you are the prince of puns! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    Think scoop might havea beef about that ...
    he steaks his claim to steer conversation to the absurd until the cows come home

    sunny



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    purpleaxxe

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by purpleaxxe on Mon Aug 08, 2011 4:06 am

    Ok purpleblues - stop milking it. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Mon Aug 08, 2011 8:10 am

    purpleaxxe wrote:Ok purpleblues - stop milking it. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]



    I think purpleblues 'herd' you! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]






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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by purpleaxxe on Tue Aug 16, 2011 9:01 am

    Paddy calls the emergency services.

    "Please can you help my friend Murphy. He's fallen off a ladder"

    "Where are you?" says the woman on the end of the phone

    "Eucalyptus Road" replies Paddy

    "Can you spell that?" says the woman

    The phone goes quiet and all that can be heard is a lot of huffing and puffing.

    "Hello - is there anyone still there?" says the woman

    "Yes" says Paddy

    "I've just dragged Murphy to Oak Street !!"



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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Tue Aug 16, 2011 5:25 pm

    purpleaxxe wrote:Paddy calls the emergency services.

    "Please can you help my friend Murphy. He's fallen off a ladder"

    "Where are you?" says the woman on the end of the phone

    "Eucalyptus Road" replies Paddy

    "Can you spell that?" says the woman

    The phone goes quiet and all that can be heard is a lot of huffing and puffing.

    "Hello - is there anyone still there?" says the woman

    "Yes" says Paddy

    "I've just dragged Murphy to Oak Street !!"





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    Is Purpleaxxe having a go at the Irish? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]






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    Re: joke of the day.............

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