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    joke of the day.............

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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Thu Jan 06, 2011 9:59 am

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

    1-0 to the wife. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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    Mace2theO

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by Mace2theO on Sat Jan 08, 2011 4:57 pm

    From a Robin Williams stand-up I saw the end of on tv last night...

    (Told in a Walter Cronkite voice)

    Little Timmy walked in on his parents while they were making love. He screamed, and ran out of the room.

    His parents talked about it, and they decided that it would be best if
    Timmy's father went and talked to him about it. So Timmy's father got
    up, got dressed, and headed down to Timmy's room.

    When he opened the door, he saw Timmy going at it, hammer and tongs, with Grandma. "OH MY GOD!" he screamed.

    Timmy looked up and said, "Not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"



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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Sun Jan 09, 2011 3:21 pm

    Mace2theO wrote:From a Robin Williams stand-up I saw the end of on tv last night...

    (Told in a Walter Cronkite voice)

    Little Timmy walked in on his parents while they were making love. He screamed, and ran out of the room.

    His parents talked about it, and they decided that it would be best if
    Timmy's father went and talked to him about it. So Timmy's father got
    up, got dressed, and headed down to Timmy's room.

    When he opened the door, he saw Timmy going at it, hammer and tongs, with Grandma. "OH MY GOD!" he screamed.

    Timmy looked up and said, "Not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"




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    CKJ505

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    Prince Joke

    Post by CKJ505 on Tue Jan 11, 2011 8:25 am

    "Sorry Mr. Nelson, do you want the good news or the bad news"

    "The bad news please Dr. Fink" said Prince.

    "Ok...a...we....we cut off the wrong leg" replied Fink.

    Prince asked "What the freaking good news?"

    Dr. Fink smiling said "Ah! the guy next to you wants to buy your slippers"

    Oh yeah, ba boing, boing boing.... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Wed Jan 12, 2011 9:12 am

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

    I bought her a bathroom scales.

    Score 1-0! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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    purpleblues1

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by purpleblues1 on Wed Jan 12, 2011 6:16 pm

    an oldie but goldie...
    A White Insider recalls

    Back in the 90's, I remember when Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President one morning.
    he told Bush that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.
    To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld: "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?" lol! Drummer
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Wed Jan 12, 2011 6:20 pm

    purpleblues1 wrote:an oldie but goldie...
    A White Insider recalls

    Back in the 90's, I remember when Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President one morning.
    he told Bush that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.
    To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld: "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?" lol! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Is that true?

    If it is...then begs the question, how did he get elected? scratch

    Must be something wrong with the whole election system, much like the Irish one, it's a joke. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Thu Jan 13, 2011 5:44 am

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"

    "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

    "Holy smoke!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Mon Jan 17, 2011 7:53 am

    If you fall asleep at work, use these top ten excuses to get you out of bother.

    1."They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

    2."I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

    3."I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

    4."Amen"

    5."This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

    6."Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

    7."I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

    8."This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

    9."Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

    10."Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Tue Jan 18, 2011 9:42 am

    An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    The man replies, I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    The officer then asks, Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?

    The man replies, "My wife". [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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    Mace2theO

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by Mace2theO on Tue Jan 18, 2011 7:50 pm

    CKJ505 wrote:An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    The man replies, I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    The officer then asks, Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?

    The man replies, "My wife". [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]


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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Fri Jan 21, 2011 10:42 am

    At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

    'Big breaths,'. I instructed.
    'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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    fkkScoop

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by fkkScoop on Thu Jan 27, 2011 3:07 pm

    "In today's world, five times more invested in drugs for male potency and silicone for women than for the treatment of Alzheimer's patients.

    Concluding from that, we have in a few years old women with big ....
    and old men with hard ......, but none of them can remember what it is good for!"
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Fri Jan 28, 2011 10:50 am

    A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
    waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
    The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
    checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
    asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
    'Breast-fed,' she replied.

    'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
    She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
    rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
    and detailed examination.

    Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
    'No wonder this baby is underweight.
    You don't have any milk.'
    I know,' she said,
    'I'm his Grandma,
    but I'm glad I came.'

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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Wed Feb 02, 2011 6:13 am

    Bloke meets Paddy in pub, the telly is on & the evening news is
    covering the story of guy about to jump off a high rise block.

    I bet you €50 he'll jump, says the man. I bet €50 he won't says Paddy.
    With that, the guy jumps & Paddy, mortified, hands over $50.[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    I can't take your money says the man, I saw it earlier on the lunchtime news.
    So did I, says Paddy, but I didn't think he'd do it again. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Thu Feb 03, 2011 7:37 am

    Paddy died...







    His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral...

    As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend.

    "Ah well, to be sure Paddy would be pleased," she said.
    "To be sure you're right,"

    Replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

    "So go on, how much did this really cost?'"

    "All of it," said Colleen. "Forty thousand."

    "Aw No!" Mary exclaimed. "I mean, it was very grand, but £40,000?!!!"

    Colleen answered, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to church.

    The whiskey, wine and snacks were another £500.

    The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

    Mary computed quickly.

    "For the love of God Colleen, £32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?"











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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Fri Feb 04, 2011 7:13 am

    A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..

    She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
    " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
    You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

    "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

    "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline.
    Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
    So, where are you staying in Rome?"

    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

    "Don't go any further. I know that place.
    Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.
    He'll look the size of an ant.
    Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."



    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
    The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

    "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes,
    but it was overbooked,
    and they bumped us up to first class.
    The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
    And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
    They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"


    "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
    "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican,
    a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder,
    and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors,
    and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait,
    the Pope would personally greet me.

    Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!
    I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

    "Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

    He said: "What the hell is happening with your hair?" [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Mon Feb 07, 2011 9:15 am

    A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

    The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

    The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

    God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Wed Feb 09, 2011 9:23 am

    Caller : Hi, our printer is not working.

    Customer Service: What is wrong with it?

    Caller : Mouse is jammed.

    Customer Service: Mouse? ... Printers don't have a mouse!!!

    Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really? .. I will send a picture.






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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Thu Feb 10, 2011 6:47 am

    September was when my son celebrated his 13th birthday, my husband got him an iPhone.

    He just loved it. Who wouldn't...?

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    My husband celebrated his birthday in March,
    and I made him very happy and bought him an iPad.

    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    My other sons birthday was in May so we got him an iPod Touch.

    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    I celebrated my birthday in October so my husband got me an iRon.

    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    I failed to recognize (what my husband says) is that the iRon

    can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

    This inevitably activates what my husband calls the iNag reminder service.







    My husband should be out of the hospital next year.

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    Mace2theO

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by Mace2theO on Thu Feb 10, 2011 6:05 pm

    CKJ505 wrote:September was when my son celebrated his 13th birthday, my husband got him an iPhone.

    He just loved it. Who wouldn't...?

    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    My husband celebrated his birthday in March,
    and I made him very happy and bought him an iPad.

    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    My other sons birthday was in May so we got him an iPod Touch.

    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    I celebrated my birthday in October so my husband got me an iRon.

    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    I failed to recognize (what my husband says) is that the iRon

    can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

    This inevitably activates what my husband calls the iNag reminder service.







    My husband should be out of the hospital next year.

    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]


    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] to avoid ending up like him, I'll pretend this is not as funny as it really is...
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Thu Feb 10, 2011 6:11 pm

    Yeah, I had to post this in a secret location, if her majesty seen this, that would be CK lying there. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Shhhhh! Here she comes..... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Fri Feb 11, 2011 9:04 am

    I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 13 year old next door,
    whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

    Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

    As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
    He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

    I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

    'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

    Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

    No,' I replied.
    'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'


    So I wrote down: ID10T

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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Mon Feb 14, 2011 11:40 am

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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Wed Feb 16, 2011 9:19 am

    The philosopher was laying in bed one night,
    looking up at the moon, and he thought to himself,

    "Where the heck is my ceiling?" scratch

    Sponsored content

    Re: joke of the day.............

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