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    joke of the day.............

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    purpleaxxe

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by purpleaxxe on Wed Aug 17, 2011 9:49 am

    [/quote]


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    Is Purpleaxxe having a go at the Irish? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.][/quote]


    Definitely not CKJ I daren't - my wife has Limerick roots. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Wed Aug 17, 2011 5:02 pm

    purpleaxxe wrote:


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    Is Purpleaxxe having a go at the Irish? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.][/quote]


    Definitely not CKJ I daren't - my wife has Limerick roots. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.][/quote]

    I hear ya boyo! Rule of thumb, never ever mess with a Limerick Lady. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]






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    The Funky Universe "Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful"
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    Jfrost

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by Jfrost on Thu Aug 25, 2011 4:52 pm

    A lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist said "Lord have mercy, that's against the law! Absolutely not!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Thu Aug 25, 2011 4:55 pm

    Jfrost wrote:A lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist said "Lord have mercy, that's against the law! Absolutely not!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] It's been a while since the joker has cracked one out!






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    The Funky Universe "Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful"
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    Jfrost

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by Jfrost on Thu Aug 25, 2011 5:12 pm

    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

    On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom.

    "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Thu Aug 25, 2011 5:38 pm

    Jfrost wrote:A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

    On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom.

    "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

    Oh, he is back and back with a vengeance... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    There is also a new funkateer on the block known as Purpleaxxe, he wants to be the new joker.

    "I see trouble ahead"..... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]






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    The Funky Universe "Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful"
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    maxim9691

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    Who is Deaf ?

    Post by maxim9691 on Mon Aug 29, 2011 12:48 pm

    A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

    Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

    The
    Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
    perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's
    what you do,"
    said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and
    in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
    If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."


    That
    evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the
    den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
    happens."


    Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response..

    So
    the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife
    and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

    Next
    he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife
    and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again no response.

    So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

    So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?"


    "Ralph, for THE FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"



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    fkkScoop

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by fkkScoop on Tue Aug 30, 2011 7:36 am

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    maxim9691

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    Cheap Flights

    Post by maxim9691 on Tue Aug 30, 2011 8:14 am




    Guaranteed to insult someone , maybe the performer's Fake Accents if nothing else [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]



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    maxim9691

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by maxim9691 on Tue Aug 30, 2011 8:17 am

    I was in an Mexican restaurant yesterday when I
    suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas! The music was really
    good, really loud, so I timed my explosions with the beat. After a
    couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my lunch and
    noticed that everybody was staring at me.

    I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]



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    Ymaginatif

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by Ymaginatif on Tue Aug 30, 2011 8:41 am

    maxim9691 wrote:


    Guaranteed to insult someone , maybe the performer's Fake Accents if nothing else [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    Girls, feck, arse ... there's something familiar about this Laughing



    The solo-experience: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

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    fkkScoop

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by fkkScoop on Tue Aug 30, 2011 11:12 am

    Reminds me a lot of chating with Jfrost!

    But fecking funny! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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    go2themax

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by go2themax on Thu Sep 01, 2011 4:07 pm

    CKJ505 wrote:A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

    Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag." "Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.."

    "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you ?" "Oh, no," said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I grab it and say : '20 dollars or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag ?" "Well, you know,.... not everybody pays.....


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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Mon Oct 24, 2011 6:40 am

    On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first encounter.
    In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
    This scenario was repeated each time they encountered, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
    Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
    During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

    It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
    and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

    She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for contact, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

    Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

    "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

    That's when she shot him. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]






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    The Funky Universe "Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful"
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    maxim9691

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by maxim9691 on Mon Oct 24, 2011 8:19 am

    So based on the above joke and $20 an encounter , I would owe my wife about $30 for the last 20 years [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]



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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Mon Oct 24, 2011 8:39 am

    maxim9691 wrote:So based on the above joke and $20 an encounter , I would owe my wife about $30 for the last 20 years [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    Share not close encounters of the that kind.

    There are certain things in life that we just don't need to know.[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    That's one of them.






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    The Funky Universe "Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful"
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    maxim9691

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by maxim9691 on Mon Oct 24, 2011 9:57 am

    CKJ505 wrote:
    maxim9691 wrote:So based on the above joke and $20 an encounter , I would owe my wife about $30 for the last 20 years [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    Share not close encounters of the that kind.

    There are certain things in life that we just don't need to know.[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    That's one of them.
    It was a joke [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]



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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Mon Oct 24, 2011 10:39 am

    maxim9691 wrote:
    CKJ505 wrote:
    maxim9691 wrote:So based on the above joke and $20 an encounter , I would owe my wife about $30 for the last 20 years [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    Share not close encounters of the that kind.

    There are certain things in life that we just don't need to know.[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    That's one of them.
    It was a joke [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]



    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] My reply was a little joke too! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    Funny times at E! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]






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    The Funky Universe "Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful"
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Tue Oct 25, 2011 7:12 am

    Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
    'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
    'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
    'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
    'I don't know.

    But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

    Ba-Bum-Bum-Tesssssh. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]






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    The Funky Universe "Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful"
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Wed Feb 15, 2012 6:12 am

    A jumper cable walks into a bar.

    The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." drv






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    The Funky Universe "Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful"
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Mon Feb 20, 2012 10:11 am

    Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted popcorn






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    The Funky Universe "Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful"
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    Mace2theO

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by Mace2theO on Mon Feb 20, 2012 7:32 pm

    CKJ505 wrote:Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]


    Now even I can remember that one [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]



    EMF Radio - [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
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    CKJ505

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by CKJ505 on Tue Feb 21, 2012 4:11 am

    Mace2theO wrote:
    CKJ505 wrote:Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]


    Now even I can remember that one [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    We are all getting old around here...... tickle

    Remember this one?

    A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

    Laughing






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    The Funky Universe "Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful"
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    purpleaxxe

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by purpleaxxe on Tue Feb 21, 2012 7:47 am

    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.][/quote]

    We are all getting old around here...... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    Remember this one?

    A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

    [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] [/quote]



    I know they are not very pc CKJ, but I do like the dyslexic jokes....

    One dyslexic to another; "Can you smell gas?"
    "Gas?" comes the reply,
    " I can't even smell my own name"

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    Jfrost

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    Re: joke of the day.............

    Post by Jfrost on Tue Feb 21, 2012 12:14 pm

    The Difference Between Men and Women

    A man and a woman had bee happily married for many years. On evening the woman announced that she was going out for a few hours with her friends. The man had no problem with this, but she didn't return till the following morning. the concerned man asked her where she had been.

    The woman said that she had one to many drinks and thought it safer to spend the night in her best friends house.

    Later the man decided to check on her story and rang the woman's 10 best friends. It turned out the she had not stayed with any of these friends.

    A few weeks later the man announced that he was going out with a few friends and wasn't going to be too late, but the man didn't arrive home till the following morning.The concerned man asked her where he had been.


    The man said that she had one to many drinks and thought it safer to spend the night in her best friends house.

    Later the woman decided to check on his story and rang the man's 10 best friends.

    It turned out he stayed at 8 of their houses and in the case of the other 2 he was still there.

    Sponsored content

    Re: joke of the day.............

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